Break the Silence
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain
I was thinking the other day about voices that are heard, but not listened to. What got me on this path was remembering a not so recent gathering where the speaker asked one of those ice breaker questions, hoping to illicit exciting responses. Around the table, the participants provided answers in which the inquiring originator would do a follow-up question or offer a personal experience to give the illusion of sympatico. I noticed that two participants were just briefly addressed, while others received more attention. Sadly, intellectual snobbery was the cause of this "interested" disinterest.
Tonight, I reflected on the posting about arguing hemispheres and wondered if this person was even aware of this inequity. Personal interaction with this individual made me conclude that the answer was "no." I am sure you are familiar with this personality type. If you do not know anyone who is, you might be it or hang out in a group where you try to win the intellectual contest at every gathering.
Closely related to the intellectual snob is the "yeah, but-ter." This person is half-listening because a counteraction is already in the works. Once your sentence or idea has completed, you will hear, "I agree, but" or the simpler version, "yeah, but." It is a common enough phrase, and we all do it. However, when used excessively in a conversation, it clearly communicates that what I have to say is not being valued at all. We tend to think of these people as control freaks. While that may be true, others struggle with simple listening and empathy.
There are many other types of "listeners" that I can add to this list, such as someone who answers a question for you or insists on adding to what you said to someone else because apparently more details were needed. The listeners and their annoying lack of processing is not the point of this entry. It is the devaluing of the speaker that is on my mind. Those who work with me find it odd when I say I am more introspective than anything else. My job forces me to interact and lead conversations, and that is the nature of the beast. I can carry on about work experiences and make connecting analogies, that is what I do.
Otherwise, unless I have established trust with you at a deep level, you will not hear my real thoughts. I am wired that way and always have been. I found it frustrating growing up to find real friends who wanted to talk about whatever was going on in my brain, who could go down the roads of mindless wanderings without getting too lost. I found out at a young age that sometimes, my inner thoughts were a bit too global for some. So, I learned then that unless I conformed and talked about other things, what I had to say was devalued.
Going back to that memory of the conversation starter, I remembered being more interested in hearing more from the ones who were quickly dismissed. The reason was that one particular answer, although I have no recollection of the question nor the response, got my attention. I heard that there was more wanted to be said, but unsaid because of the quick shut down by the brain snob. I clearly remembered the expression on the person's face, and it hurt my heart. I remembered what that felt like and still feels like inside, and that sucks.
So, here is the point de jour, take some time to practice listening, especially to those who rarely contribute to a question. Learn how to shut down your instinct to one-up. Do not judge them for their silence, but value them more for who they are. What you may find out is someone who you can actually talk to and be yourself. You might find someone who becomes the person who you trust enough to listen to and someone who you love listening to.
I was thinking the other day about voices that are heard, but not listened to. What got me on this path was remembering a not so recent gathering where the speaker asked one of those ice breaker questions, hoping to illicit exciting responses. Around the table, the participants provided answers in which the inquiring originator would do a follow-up question or offer a personal experience to give the illusion of sympatico. I noticed that two participants were just briefly addressed, while others received more attention. Sadly, intellectual snobbery was the cause of this "interested" disinterest.
Tonight, I reflected on the posting about arguing hemispheres and wondered if this person was even aware of this inequity. Personal interaction with this individual made me conclude that the answer was "no." I am sure you are familiar with this personality type. If you do not know anyone who is, you might be it or hang out in a group where you try to win the intellectual contest at every gathering.
Closely related to the intellectual snob is the "yeah, but-ter." This person is half-listening because a counteraction is already in the works. Once your sentence or idea has completed, you will hear, "I agree, but" or the simpler version, "yeah, but." It is a common enough phrase, and we all do it. However, when used excessively in a conversation, it clearly communicates that what I have to say is not being valued at all. We tend to think of these people as control freaks. While that may be true, others struggle with simple listening and empathy.
There are many other types of "listeners" that I can add to this list, such as someone who answers a question for you or insists on adding to what you said to someone else because apparently more details were needed. The listeners and their annoying lack of processing is not the point of this entry. It is the devaluing of the speaker that is on my mind. Those who work with me find it odd when I say I am more introspective than anything else. My job forces me to interact and lead conversations, and that is the nature of the beast. I can carry on about work experiences and make connecting analogies, that is what I do.
Otherwise, unless I have established trust with you at a deep level, you will not hear my real thoughts. I am wired that way and always have been. I found it frustrating growing up to find real friends who wanted to talk about whatever was going on in my brain, who could go down the roads of mindless wanderings without getting too lost. I found out at a young age that sometimes, my inner thoughts were a bit too global for some. So, I learned then that unless I conformed and talked about other things, what I had to say was devalued.
Going back to that memory of the conversation starter, I remembered being more interested in hearing more from the ones who were quickly dismissed. The reason was that one particular answer, although I have no recollection of the question nor the response, got my attention. I heard that there was more wanted to be said, but unsaid because of the quick shut down by the brain snob. I clearly remembered the expression on the person's face, and it hurt my heart. I remembered what that felt like and still feels like inside, and that sucks.
So, here is the point de jour, take some time to practice listening, especially to those who rarely contribute to a question. Learn how to shut down your instinct to one-up. Do not judge them for their silence, but value them more for who they are. What you may find out is someone who you can actually talk to and be yourself. You might find someone who becomes the person who you trust enough to listen to and someone who you love listening to.
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