For the Sake of an Argument

The other day at lunch with my compatriots, one member of the team started talking about an argument she got into with her husband. It was the typical conversation, as far as listening to people describe their disputes. The audience, who has worked together for years, has heard similar stories from this person, but politely listened. While keeping a neutral face, my mind began to wonder why the argument even started. Since it wasn't any of my concern, I mused for a bit on what is at the core of any dispute or debate.

It was keeping my brain busy, reflecting on the arguments I have had in my past. There were those arguments that seemed important at the time. From petty stuff like who borrowed a pen and didn't bring it back to the other end of the spectrum where I felt like I wasn't valued, these arguments seemed important. Then there were the ones that involved personal points of view or needs. Then there are the ones that employ philosophies to the political issues that are consuming our nation right now; there had to be central themes of what started them.

While I have created a graphic for this post, it all boils down to two concepts, power and equity. Who has power, who wants power, who is trying to control whom, and who has no idea that they are being manipulated. We argue because we feel like some unknown balance has tipped in someone else's favor. I don't mind the obvious ones, such as where to eat. It is the arguments that we have without knowing why we are having a heated debate. "Just because" ones are the absolute worst because often we are either without a cause or a clue.

The "just because" variety worries me due to at the deepest core; we are mimicking dogma or half-truths. You know when you hear one when your gut tells you there is no factual basis for the opposition's opposition. Worse yet, if statistics are brought into the mix, it challenges us to fact-check, and that is not an easy thing to do. Many love to use the phrase, "Research shows..." and then refuse to show you the research! Also, you will find these on social media when someone just cuts and pastes absolute waffle into their feeds and then adds something patriotic.

The other type of power dominance that scares me is the brand that smells of traditional arrogance. You will know when you are in this power struggle when sex, weight, attire, and even driving is brought up. It is hard to believe that we still live in a time where this is also a point of discussion. This brand smells of sexism, racism, or even both, depending on the context. We live in such a fluid, connected society now, how do we allow this to continue?

So, going back to the reason why I thought of this. It seems more natural to me to talk about things with the ones we care about instead of getting our hackles up so quickly when the slightest reason appears. If you care and love the person you are with, then shouldn't we know what buttons not to push? Arguments are more easily avoided when we recognize that we must have a balance of power and equity through our eyes and theirs as well.