Quiet
Our brains continuously have a barrage of sights, smells, and sounds to process. We never have enough time to sit and reflect, or even dream. We have schedules, do-lists, and deadlines that have to be dealt with. When we try to relax, we squirrel out and surf social media during commercials. We feel that we might be missing something, like what so and so had for dinner, it turns into almost a panic if two minutes elapsed. Even on vacation, we are desperate to have so much freaking fun; we come back more exhausted than when we left. Even worse, your no-boundary co-worker decides to include you in a 100+ person email that 25% of them hit "Respond to All."
It is only when we decide to sit still, unplug, and isolate do we have an opportunity to think, to let our minds wander, and to reflect. I reached a particular place recently that I was allowing this little device that I carry around to monopolize my attention. Now, before you begin comparing me to my grandfather, I am talking about that feeling of missing out. What I was missing out was being with myself, for a few minutes at a time, to breathe. It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time!
I used to spend so much time in my youth exploring distant galaxies, fantastical places, and events from the past. I hear the voices of the characters and felt their joys and sorrows. After putting down what I had just read, I would imagine myself, and what it would be like to be part of the story. I would then take the time to put different people in my reality into the roles of other characters in the story. Then, I would be able to solve issues I may have with others or to build the courage to get to know those who I have not made an effort with. It was my method of transitioning and coping with my inability to communicate.
As I got older, I shut that part out because the life situation had changed. The constant deciding on how to react with things made me go away from reading to just putting up or shutting up. Even when the situation changed again, I still found myself keeping my brain busy because I did not want to answer to the one voice that was a pain in the ass, my internal one. Here is the thing you can blow off others whenever you feel like it. However, if you deny dealing with the inner one, especially when it manifests to saying things that do not make sense, the results are not good.
Something amazing happened! I found an external voice, that took some time to trust, who let me know that it was okay to keep quiet and listen to yourself. I was encouraged beyond any other type of reassurance I have ever experienced before. The voice was gentle, understanding, and knew the struggle I was having internally. Trust is not an easy thing for me by any means, and this beautiful voice kept with me for months until I decided to stop and listen within.
So, I let the inner voice out from hiding and into the front. The first thought I experienced was one sentence, "Why did you let yourself get this way?" was the first question asked. "Shit," was my only reply. The hardest question was the first one out of the gate. I sat there breathing for a very long time, just listening to the process of inhaling and exhaling. I relaxed and the kind, the external voice came to me again, asking the same question, but in a manner that it was asking for events that led to what happened, not internal damnation. It was the changing of the "why" to "how."
One word, just that one word, opened the flood gates of things that I had blocked. Memories that I thought I had erased began to flicker in front of me. Feelings of being trapped surfaced once again. Inaquiticy, self-loathing, and hopelessness swirled around as if they were buzzards ready to pounce. It was at that moment that the beautiful voice came back, telling me to keep calm. The buzzards stopped swirling, and I breathed imagining I was there with a rope, lassoing each of those birds one at a time. I saw myself with the captive emotions knowing I could only deal with one at a time.
I opened my eyes more relaxed more than ever. I sat there for a long time and gave the external voice a long-distance thanks. While I am working on the buzzards still, I have learned to control them better and know when it is time to find a quiet place and deal with them. The most important thing is that I found someone who knew what I was going through and empowered me to take control of the narrative.
Here is the thing I am part of my story, and I had forgotten that.
It is only when we decide to sit still, unplug, and isolate do we have an opportunity to think, to let our minds wander, and to reflect. I reached a particular place recently that I was allowing this little device that I carry around to monopolize my attention. Now, before you begin comparing me to my grandfather, I am talking about that feeling of missing out. What I was missing out was being with myself, for a few minutes at a time, to breathe. It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time!
I used to spend so much time in my youth exploring distant galaxies, fantastical places, and events from the past. I hear the voices of the characters and felt their joys and sorrows. After putting down what I had just read, I would imagine myself, and what it would be like to be part of the story. I would then take the time to put different people in my reality into the roles of other characters in the story. Then, I would be able to solve issues I may have with others or to build the courage to get to know those who I have not made an effort with. It was my method of transitioning and coping with my inability to communicate.
As I got older, I shut that part out because the life situation had changed. The constant deciding on how to react with things made me go away from reading to just putting up or shutting up. Even when the situation changed again, I still found myself keeping my brain busy because I did not want to answer to the one voice that was a pain in the ass, my internal one. Here is the thing you can blow off others whenever you feel like it. However, if you deny dealing with the inner one, especially when it manifests to saying things that do not make sense, the results are not good.
Something amazing happened! I found an external voice, that took some time to trust, who let me know that it was okay to keep quiet and listen to yourself. I was encouraged beyond any other type of reassurance I have ever experienced before. The voice was gentle, understanding, and knew the struggle I was having internally. Trust is not an easy thing for me by any means, and this beautiful voice kept with me for months until I decided to stop and listen within.
So, I let the inner voice out from hiding and into the front. The first thought I experienced was one sentence, "Why did you let yourself get this way?" was the first question asked. "Shit," was my only reply. The hardest question was the first one out of the gate. I sat there breathing for a very long time, just listening to the process of inhaling and exhaling. I relaxed and the kind, the external voice came to me again, asking the same question, but in a manner that it was asking for events that led to what happened, not internal damnation. It was the changing of the "why" to "how."
One word, just that one word, opened the flood gates of things that I had blocked. Memories that I thought I had erased began to flicker in front of me. Feelings of being trapped surfaced once again. Inaquiticy, self-loathing, and hopelessness swirled around as if they were buzzards ready to pounce. It was at that moment that the beautiful voice came back, telling me to keep calm. The buzzards stopped swirling, and I breathed imagining I was there with a rope, lassoing each of those birds one at a time. I saw myself with the captive emotions knowing I could only deal with one at a time.
I opened my eyes more relaxed more than ever. I sat there for a long time and gave the external voice a long-distance thanks. While I am working on the buzzards still, I have learned to control them better and know when it is time to find a quiet place and deal with them. The most important thing is that I found someone who knew what I was going through and empowered me to take control of the narrative.
Here is the thing I am part of my story, and I had forgotten that.
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