Putting Gas into a Relationship  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

Whenever a relationship begins, there are a few things that people are so worried about that they tend not to be themselves. Breath, physical appearance, kissing, and even income will cause terror in the hearts of newly formed couples. Most of these fears are usually on the surface but there is one in particular that rarely, if ever, sees the light of day in polite conversation. Knowing me as many of you should by now, you must know that any topic which is considered rude or offensive I MUST talk about.


When two people begin to become exclusive, there are many things that they begin to share. The swapping of secrets, future plans, text messages and bodily fluids are all part of a good blueprint for a heathy relationship. It takes a long time before other things come into play such as hidden eating habits, preference of how much room to take up in a closet, and even what side of the bed does one really prefer to sleep on. Even with all of this, there is still one thing that couples dread, who will be the first one to pass gas. 

It is tough to contain oneself after a hearty meal of Chile con Queso, fully loaded Super Nachos, Carne Asada and three beers. The ride to the rendezvous point is one of general chatting and the shifting of one cheek to the other as thoughts of "Good Lord not now" are thought within the minds of the two lovers. So they wait until the slamming of vehicle doors to squeak a few out. The woman may discreetly mention that she wants "to slip into something more comfortable." In truth, she probably will but more than likely needed an excuse to slip into the closet, with a thick door, to make her groaning intestines more comfortable.  The man, while the woman is out of the room, will begin to make his way to the remotest corner of where they currently are to do the same. If something remote is not possible, he will let it fly and then frantically spray the area with his emergency little bottle of cologne. 

This pattern will continue until the one time, usually in the midst of sleep are a really good love making session, that the body is so relaxed, that one sneaks out. Most of the time it will not be one of those silent sneakers. No, it will be a cheek flapper with lots of bass that would make your grandfather proud of you. When it happens, it will be one of those moment of truths in a relationship. For the guilty party will usually be mortified and the other will either be horrified or relieved that the ice has been finally broken.

The separation of the sexes will usually dictate the reaction. Men will laugh if it was the woman who broke the non-gas pact first. In fact, we men usually find gas in any form funny no matter who it is. The gentleman will try to hold in the rolling around on the floor bit to save his lady total embarrassment. The female in the relationship will try to be polite and understanding but internally will wish that this side of him had never surfaced and may in the future demand he leave the room next time. Thinking about this whole thing, beside giggling while writing it, made me realize that there has to be stages in a relationship where gas can play a major role.

So, here are the different levels in a relationship where gas plays a role.

  • Stage 1 - Avoidance: Where both partners will make any excuse to leave the general area where his/her love interest is.
  • Stage 2 - The Ice Breaker: Where one or both of the partners lets one fly accidently causing general embarrassment.
  • Stage 3 - Testing the Water: Gas is let out in little gasps as the guilty party is finding out how much can be let out and still be comfortable.
  • Stage 4 - Comfortable: The cheek-flappers fly without comment or initial looks of disgust.
  • Stage 5 - Too Comfortable: The guilty party makes it point to walk into the room where his/her mate is, lets one fly and the proceeds to leave the room.
  • Stage 6 - Dangerous / Relationship is in Danger: He/She passes gas and shoves the other one under the covers. (I've been told that this is called a Dutch Oven)
Either way, gas is just a byproduct of being a human and should be shared and enjoyed by all around. If we weren't so uptight, maybe this small portion of who we are wouldn't be such a problem in a relationship. Then again, knowing some people who can clear an auditorium with a cheese dog and a six pack, maybe would should be considerate of those around us...

-WTS

This was Passed On to Me  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

I am sure that this is really old news to many of you. However, I just became aware of this website on Friday during a gathering of friends.



Share and Enjoy

-WTS

Austin is Grinding Once Again  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

Well, the Texas Legislature has reconvened this week and I am shuddering to think just how much more they can screw with the educational field. I am sure they are, in their muddling way, come up with more asinine ways to ensure that not only our kids and teachers are left behind, but the bus they should be on is scrapped in order to fund somebody's pork barrel. I know that I should have a bit more faith in the political process, but when it comes to this state, I am not convinced that they get it yet. 


Many districts are closing schools and laying off teachers. They are cutting off programs that are usually the only reasons why kids come to school. Salaries are on hold, and classes are becoming larger. More regulations on assessment are coming down the pike that are changing almost quarterly. The legislature continues to dip into the teacher retirement fund quicker that the social security depleters are in DC. Respect for this profession is dropping with every school year and lawyers are getting fat-rich off of frivolous lawsuits. Local newscasts rarely say anything positive about what we are accomplishing and seem to ignore that many schools are doing the right thing.

So here we are in this muck and are wondering what other brand of poop we are going to have to deal with after this session is completed. We might have to deal with tougher budgets seeing how the state is millions in the hole. We may have to deal with new standards for assessment, as if the EOC wasn't bad enough. We may have to deal with a bunch of stuff come next August. 

Funny thing, we still take it and come to work...

-WTS

As A Teacher...  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

There are times that being an educator has its benefits. For an example, when you are in line at the grocery store and a former student of yours comes up and thanks you profusely for being an inspiration, it makes up for the long hours and lack of gratitude by the general public. When you see one of your kids on the news that is being recognized by his/her community, it will bring a smile to your face. When you see them become professionals and grow up to be the man/woman you knew they could be, somehow you know that in one way or another, you had a part in it all. 


Even though I have, in my career, come across thousands of kids, it is not often that I forget them. The cool thing about being a teacher is working with tomorrows leaders. It is when you watch the news and you see something horrible happen to one of them does it weigh upon your soul and rips your heart out, even if that child was never one of your students. My heart goes out to you my friend for losing one of your kids for I know from first hand that it does not get any easier...

-WTS


One More Week  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."


I don't know about you, but I plan on being glued to the nearest streaming video.

-WTS

Another Quick One  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

For those of us who also have interest in tracking changes of time, I present to you GAS BUDDY. I dig these kind of websites because they give me tons of educational opportunities and lesson ideas. 


-WTS

Repression - Recession It's All the Same Thing  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

For those of us who are entertained by charts and graphs, I present to you GOOGLE.


For your amusement, you can go back in time and see how we were a year ago and even further back.

Share and Weep

Bonus points to those who can name the record where I got the title of this posting from.

-WTS

The Sounds of Silence  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

When people look back at their career, it is normal to look at the good things as well as the difficult decisions. I have made several changes in my career path and every time that I made these changes, I took stock at what I have accomplished and whether or not I have done what I felt I needed to do. True, I have not strayed too far from the realm of education, but each change was difficult to make for I was leaving something behind. 


I bring this up because I have been made several offers from different sources and quite frankly they are good solid jobs that I know I would enjoy doing. Unlike other times, I am torn because I really love what I am doing right now and for the sake of anonymity, I will not go into great details. I feel that at this moment in time, I have not done all that I set out to do when I took this position. On the other hand, the need is great with the other positions. For me, when I make promises and dedications to those I work with and work for, I take them seriously and as financially stupid it would be to stay where I am, I am leaning that way. 

So here I am having the internal debate of which way to jump even though I already have my answer. Maybe I need to put on Simon and Garfunkel with my eyes closed...

-WTS

Go Back to Start  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

One of my fondest childhood pastimes has to be the board game. Before I was introduced to polyhedral dice and the dynamics of plotting dungeons on graph paper; there was the simple art of rolling a six-sided die (d6 for us geeks) and following a simple path from either one end of a board to another or sometimes in a complete circle. The rules were often not that complicated and the strategy was not to come in second place. Sure, the names and feel of each board game were different from another, but they all had the same basic plot; move your piece of plastic to the end and win. My favorites ranged from the classics such as Monopoly, Mouse Trap, Life, and Clue to the sorta prelude to the video games like Dark Tower. Our family could be often seen in the evenings doing such mischief like rolling an Yahtzee to delightfully telling each other "Sooooooorrry, back to start."


I was walking through WalMart and had a close friend on the phone at the same time. Yes, I am one of THOSE people who talk on the cell in the stores. So we were chatting away at the odd assortment of stuff that people place their belongings in when I came across the toy section. "Whoa!" I exclaimed, "They have Life on sale for about fifteen bucks."

"Really?" came the reply, "I have the original set at home."

"No shit," I was amazed I thought I was the only one with a copy.

"Yeah, teachers make $8,000."

Somehow I realized that things haven't really changed in twenty years. Not wanting to begin a tirade about teacher salary, I continued, "We need to get some of the gang together and maybe play some of the old games."

Excited, the reply came, "Yeah that sounds really cool." There was a pause and then, "Hey, do they have the 1980s version of Trivial Pursuit?"

I began to scan around at the different games that were on display on the sale rack and did not find a copy. "A ton of trivial shit but nothing that fits your description." I paused to look around and spied the aisle where the games were, "Hang on, I'll check the aisle."

I made my way to the game aisle and way once again seven years old. There were the classics that I grew up with displayed in all their glory. I even paused to gaze at my least two favorites (Candyland and Chutes & Ladders) just out of respect for their longevity. I laughed as I spotted Mouse Trap and was informed by my friend that that game apparently had no real point. I knew though that the point of that game was to build something that involved moving parts. 

I was about halfway through when the childhood memory of trying to decide between Snoopy Come Home and Twister came to a screeching halt. Indeed, I was almost horrified at what I was looking at. For in front of me were about five different versions of Monopoly, three incarnations of scrabble, and two different types of Yahtzee. To say that I was a bit intrigued would be an understatement. The thought that someone had actually had a notion to alter some of my favorites also began to concern me as well.

To me it was almost as if they had forced Pluto to wear clothing because the modern generation could not understand why a cartoon character was naked on the screen. By this I mean that apparently the beloved classics had to be altered in order to appeal to a new generation. For an example, just perusing the monopoly games there was a super-deluxe version, a Star Wars incarnation and even an Indiana Jones special edition complete with a faux wood box. 

Since when did George Lucas gain a foothold into Rich Uncle Pennybag's domain? This makes me so nervous on so many different levels. To begin with we all know Lucas' record when it comes to him messing with the classics. I have nightmares of me passing go with a pewter Jar Jar and wishing that I had stayed in the galactic prison with no hope for bail. Also, judging by the latest Indiana Jones, does his figure have a whip or a walker to scoot across the spaces? Are things so bad that Parker now has to sell off their rights to the game itself to the highest bidder?


School Memories  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

One of the fondest memories of high school biology was when we actually did the mind-boggling task of dissecting an earthworm. You see, frogs and pigs are pretty simple things to cut open and identify the parts. On an earthworm, not so much. I was thinking of this and remembering my Biology teacher informing us that earthworms were unique due to the fact that they had "both sets of goods." Now, as you can imagine, this news to a 13 year old is like the thing of fantasies. Now, as a grown adult, I can with great confidence say that it is better to have sex with someone else than one's own self. Also as an adult, I now have several thoughts about earthworms that I would like to share with the now ducking public...


1. Do earthworms have to remember special occasions like seeing itself naked for the first time or the first time it had sex?
2. Do they first get themselves drunk before having sex or do they prefer to be clearheaded?
3. If they are on a boat that is sinking and women and children go first to they just sit there and wonder if they qualify?
4. Do they get jealous if they catch themselves looking at another worm?
5. What if they have self-love issues?
6. When they argue do they tell other worms to "just go screw themselves"?

-WTS

Happy New Year (Again)  

Posted by Wonko D. Sane in

To all that come to this place I want to wish you a happy new year and may this one bring all of your greatest dreams. 


-WTS

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