Upon the hill the man stands

It is so cool when someone has been following your blog for a bit and then decides to join the ranks of the blogging community. I know that Rob got me started and through his patience others like Butterfly Angel have followed. Someone asked me why in the hell do I blog when I know that there are millions of other blogs out there that are more interesting and attract more readers. Actually, I had to hesitate a moment to stifle the "fuck off" response. 

While I never shall nor pretend to understand the female of our species, I do however, have firm observations and since I have already commented on my sex, I shall try to present what I feel. It would be easy to just post "Woohoo, Huzzah for women!" I really feel that although there is a lot of truth being that statement for me, it would not suffice. "Sure," says the reader, "but what are his true feelings?"

I've discussed in previous entries in depth things such as eyes and hair, but not the whole body itself. While the previous posting might make you wonder if I have an obsession or two, relax. I just have this urge to talk about perception on the human body. Part one was very difficult for me to write because it is about my gender and I don't want to be perceived as a traitor. However, there are so many things about the proud male of the species that is funny to me, I just have to share. Keep in mind that I have a habit of being frank so if talking about the human body disturbs you, skip this one and think of puppies for ten minutes...

Subject 1: The Male -

If there has been anything created in the universe that looks, well odd, it would be the human male. Our muscular structure is designed for heavy work and yet men that I know consider opening a beer a workout. Over the eons, men have touted their superiority as far as muscle mass and while there are a few good specimens, I find it almost repulsive of how far down you would have to dig in order to find the muscle in many of the men I see.  Don't get me wrong, I am not built like a freaking iron tower.  It's just funny to me that even today we have grown men who growl their dominance based upon muscle. Those types of men I wish they could meet some of the female bodybuilders that I know so the ladies could dantily kick their asses.

One of the greatest moments that I have ever read was from Douglas Adams' So Long and Thanks for all the Fish when the truth of disclaimers was revealed to the main characters on a box of toothpicks. I would love to explain the entire event but it would take too long, I might be sued for plagiarism, and in order to understand where my namesake comes from you just have to read the book. 

Forward: Thank all the powers that be that my mom doesn't read my blog. If one of my relatives comes by this entry by chance, use some brain bleach and call your therapist...

Naked - being without clothing or covering; nude.

What is it about the word naked that makes people so crazy? After all, we came into the world as such and on a daily basis we become naked again. The word itself sounds inherently, well for a lack of a better word, dirty. Maybe its just me, but just pronouncing the word makes me want to take a cold shower and feel guilty that I looked at myself in the mirror before entering the shower. Maybe its because the word is always closely associated with the equally banned word in polite society, intercourse.

The original settlers of this nation, well the British ones at least, were so afraid of their bodies they piled layer upon layer upon themselves. I seriously doubt if the Puritans even knew what their bodies looked like not to mention their significant other. I can go on the ins and outs of Puritanical traditions and culture, but suffice to say that to them a naked body was something to avoid at all costs. Show a bit of cleavage back then and if you were not sufficiently wealthy, you could find yourself floating in the lake with people throwing rocks at you.

Over the years, we have redefined how much naked we were willing to accept. During the Victorian Era, you would have been hard-pressed to find an ankle let alone a wrist. The Roaring 20s brought us the first modern sexual revolution where not only ankles flashed, but even a few knee caps as well. The Great Depression through the mid-1950's we once again covered up to reflect the times. Skin resurfaced with a vengeance as we moved into the 60s and through the 70s only to be smashed by the Reagan years.

So why do we fear being naked? I know the first answer to spring to mind is we become vulnerable without a few layers covering our bodies from the prying eyes of the general public. We may feel embarrassed for whatever reason. Too tall, too short, too skinny too fat, too small too big. Whatever the reason we definitely do not to appear in public without our covers. Think about it, the most common nightmare that makes us wake up in a cold sweat is where we appear somewhere without clothes.

I understand that in certain climate zones that walking around in your glory is not a good idea. No one wants a sunburn in areas that normally do not see the sun. I am not one to walk around with out my coverings in the middle of the desert nor in the deepest of winter's rough grasp. However, I really don't mind be n-a-k-e-d. I rather enjoy it when I can for the simple fact that I really don't give a shit what people think when I proudly exclaim that I'm okay with how I look. (Taken some time on that one) I'm not sure why, but nudity really doesn't bother me at all.

Which brings me to something else, the synonym for naked - nude.

Nude seems to have a sense of dignity. Think about it, when have you heard about naked paintings, naked panyhose, or a naked beach? But when Hooters takes the skin off of their hot wings, of course they are naked wings. A nude beach is where people of like minds go to run around on the sand totally without clothes. I say more power to them and speaking from personal experience, there is reason why sand paper is made from sand... But the question is, are the people on the beach naked or nude? I think the ones in the Mercedes are nude and those in the VW Bus are naked.

People would not watch a show called How to Look Good Nude. Check the TV listings, there is now a show called How to Look Naked though. I watched it once so I can keep up with the woman conspiracy channel and found out that the show is designed to give confidence to women who are not emaciated leather-chewing models. I actually liked it, the host is somewhat annoying, but the message is sound; be proud of who you are.

-WTS

Well, there it is the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even as I was reposting Payback, I was inwardly groaning at the phrasing and lack of vivid imagery that I thought was there when I wrote it. Is there a moral to the story besides the obvious one? Not really, in fact there really wasn't one when I wrote it. I just wanted to get the story out of my head. Yes, you can see various shadings of maybe Devil & Daniel Webster and even a small sampling of Mesostostophles. 

Over the next several weeks, Barry indulged in as many encounters as humanly possible. Barry knew no boundaries and found himself doing things that he had never imagined possible. His worst one was crashing a bridal shower and introducing himself to the future bride and the entire wedding party. Those who did not immediately jump on Barry turned on each other. He had a roll of film in his truck to remember the occasion by.

It was a full six months before any sign of his escapades began to show up on the news. There were several reports of divorces that were initiated by unexpected pregnancies that were not conceived by the husbands. The only reason why it made the news was that several news anchors, political authorities, and local celebrities were involved. Barry’s best contribution to controversy made international news when an entire convent was dismissed by the Pope for actions “unbecoming of nuns who were supposed to dedicate their lives, souls, and chastity to God.”

Feeling satisfied, after a long “hard” day at work, Barry decided to take the night off and return to Nick’s for a full dinner. He pulled into the restaurant and noticed that the parking lot was unusually full of flashy cars. In his day, they were known as muscle cars. He also found himself looking at a number of Harleys lined up in a neat row. Expecting the worst biker rally, Barry entered Nick’s.

Rowdy would not even begin to explain the scene. Nick’s was wall-to-wall Biker. Even in his wild imagination could Barry not conjure what he was taking in. The place smelled like smoke, various flavors, beer, one flavor, armpits, and sweaty leather. People ranged from thin to thick, hairy (including the women) to bald (yes, the women too). Many had tattoos and weaponry displayed like it was a swap meet of ex-commandos. In other words, it was definitely a rough scene.

Barry was finally getting his reverse gear into action when Nick’s voice cut across the scene. “Barry, my old friend! Where have you been?”

Barry cleared his throat, the thick whatever smoke it was, was making phlegm rise to the back of his tongue. He cleared again before answering, “Well,” the reply was almost a stammer, “I have been here and there.”

Nick’s smile showed almost all of his teeth, “Hmmm,” Nick said, “sounds like you have been busy.” Nick paused a moment before continuing, “You haven’t been hanging around churches and weddings have you?”

Barry almost choked on what rose to his throat. He swallowed the great glob and answered, “N-n-n-o-o,” he stammered, “I haven’t.”

Nick’s smile doubled and he said, “If you say so.” It was if Nick’s friendly gaze could see right through him. Pausing a moment, Nick continued, “Well, I am glad to see that you have enjoyed your gift.”

Not really knowing how Nick could even guess what he had been up to, Barry replied, “It has been useful. Nick, how about a table?”

Nick pretended to look at the table schematic and silently nodded. Looking up Nick asked, “Are you sure you want to eat here tonight. After all, “he continued smoothly, “tonight we have special guests.”

Barry looked at the motley assembly of “special guests” and wondered which one of them had held up the local bank in order to afford the meal for the entire group. “Yeah, I would like a table, if it is not too much trouble.”

Nick responded with his usual smoothness, “No, no trouble for an old friend.” Nick grabbed a menu and a silverware set. They wove in and out of the crowd, trying to avoid contact. Barry had to apologize several times since his size made it difficult to avoid anyone. Finally arriving at a table, Barry carefully pulled back his chair and sat down. “Enjoy your meal,” Nick cheerfully said over his shoulder.

Barry wasn’t sure why he had stayed. In the first place, Nick made him nervous ever since the first night of his newly found power over women. Secondly, he was in the middle of a group that looked like it could explode in a riot or a riotous party at the drop of a hat. Finally, the smell inside of the dining area was bad enough to make him lose his appetite. Barry buried himself in the menu and decided that he would ignore his surroundings and leave as quickly as humanly possible.

Barry did not look at his server and he gulped down his beer so fast that he was buzzing by the second mug. When his dinner arrived, Barry did not taste the food, let alone stop to enjoy it. It wasn’t until he dropped his fork on the plate that he noticed that the steak that he had been eating was crawling with maggots.

Screaming and spitting out his food, Barry leapt to his feet and was spitting food out, not caring where the offensive meat landed. Unfortunately for Barry, a piece of half-chewed food hit the side of the largest biker’s face with an awful splat.

The biker reacted immediately; he felt the side of his face and look right at Barry. He did not say a word, he just walked over to Barry and grabbed Barry’s throat.

Barry gasped and gagged. He knew that if he did not say something quickly, he would be another tick on the police blotter. “Wait, “he managed to squeak,” you don’t understand!”
The biker’s response was to tighten his grip on Barry’s throat.

Barry gagged even more, “It was the meat. It had maggots.” His sentence came out in great gasps as he felt his head begin to swim.

The pressure eased a bit as the biker paused to consider Barry’s story. He took a look at the plate, reddened and resumed his mission to crush the life out of Barry. “There are no maggots,” the voice was like dry gravel.

Even in his state, Barry had the facial control to look surprised. He too looked at his plate and saw the fine steak that was only marked by its incredible lack of maggots or any other type of crawly thing.

Desperate, for he felt the last of air escaping from his lungs. He had to make this human vise grip understand that it was an accident. “No, “Barry gasped, “don’t,” he continued. Barry was quickly slipping and he finished with, “stop.”

The effect was immediate and unfortunate for Barry. He was overjoyed with the fact that he could now freely breathe. The thing that made him panic was the looks of the burly men who were now surrounding him. “Crap,” thought Barry, “that was a close one.” Barry began to inch his way backwards, trying to escape from his attacker. Someone standing behind Barry impeded his retreat.

Barry whirled around and found another man with a strange look in his eyes. “Shit,” Barry whispered, “what in the hell is wrong with these guys.”

His answer came in the form of hands that grabbed him from all directions and tore at his clothing. The impact of what he thought was his last words came rushing back to him with a horrific jolt. Barry screamed and tried to escape, but he was pinned. The last thing Barry could recall was the grueling pain and the overwhelming desire to die.

Barry awoke standing in what appeared to be an elevator. He was amazed that he was alive and even more amazed that he was standing. He began to look around and saw Nick. “Nick,” Barry’s voice could not hide his joy, “you saved me from that mob back there didn’t you?”
Nick grinned his evil smile and said nothing.

Barry was taken aback, “Uhm, Nick? You did save me, didn’t you?” Barry could not help but notice that the grin on Nick’s face was indeed evil and there was something else. Nick’s visage had changed. Barry decided that it would be best to ask no further questions for the moment. He noticed that the elevator was on a continual course downward. After what seemed like an eternity, Barry decided to have another go at a conversation, “Uh, Nick, where are we?”

Nick’s grin did the famous doubling act and his reply filled Barry with dread, “We are going down.”

Barry knew that and he began to develop a dangerous anger, “No shit. I meant, where are we, exactly.”

Nick kept his smile, but is voice lacked anything that resembled humor, “Well, your contract is now due and you belong to my domain.” Nick paused to enjoy the quick changing of expression on Barry’s face. “We are going to a level that is meant for people like you.”

Barry squeaked, “What do you mean the contract is due? I don’t belong to you? Where in the hell am I?”

Nick just nodded, “You see, you are getting the idea.” There was a slight gonging noise and the elevator stopped with a jerk. As the elevator doors opened Barry was back to the gibbering stage. Nick gave Barry a tremendous heave out of the cubicle and laughed as he watched Barry fall to the ground. Nick took in a deep breath and it was not only his visage that had gone under transformation. “Now,” Nick said having completed his demonic metamorphosis, “you do belong to me and you are going to fulfill the terms of our agreement.” Nick laughed and continued, “look at me, worm and cower at my feet, beg for forgiveness.”

Barry groveled at the cloven hooves, begging for forgiveness. For he knew now what he had done and with whom he had done it with.

Nick responded by kicking Barry in the face with a hoof and made a noise that even though it was intelligible; Barry knew that it was a summons. “Barry, you will now meet the people that you are going to spend the rest of eternity with.” Nick paused again until Barry looked up. “These are women who came to me because they had murdered those men who had abused them or just like killing.”

Barry gabbled something but became silent when Nick continued, “Barry, do not think that I do not have a heart. These poor women have been denied a man for quite some time.”
Barry knew what was coming and he knew that it was not going to be pleasant. Nick grabbed Barry by the back of his neck and pulled him to his feet. “Barry, if I were you, I would run and not stop.”

Barry hesitated and then felt a splitting blow as an axe split his skull. He rolled around and screamed as the pain tripled. Then, it was gone as suddenly as it appeared. “That,” said Nick, “was Lizzy.”

Barry did the only thing he could do, he ran.

The taxi drive drove Barry to Nick’s and did not make too much conversation. Apparently, Barry resembled something out of a disaster film and the taxi driver apparently did not want to get involved. Forgetting to give the driver a tip, Barry slammed the door and made for his truck. He noticed that Nick’s car was parked in the same spot it was in the previous night and so was Barry’s truck. Glancing at his watch, Barry decided he had some time to talk to Nick before going into work.

Going to the back of the restaurant, Barry was able to get in through the back door. The kitchen was unbearably hot even though nothing was cooking. “Nick?” Barry called out, “It’s me Barry” Getting no answer Barry continued to make his way through the jungle of ovens, pots, and pans.

Finally getting to a set of double doors, Barry peeked out of one of the circular windows into the dining room. The lights were dim and he could not see anyone at all. Looking around, Barry decided that Nick might be in his office somewhere. Slowly opening one of the double doors, Barry called out once again, “Nick?” His voice seemed to have echoed throughout the empty restaurant.

Barry walked throughout the dining area and then made his way to the bar before finding a solitary door marked “Office.” Barry knocked and a voice told him that he could come in. Turing the warm, decorated knob, Barry entered.

The office was grandly decorated and was covered with oranges, reds, and blues. The desk at the back of the office was on the grand scale and carved with designs of dragons and maidens in various positions. Sitting behind the desk was Nick. “Hello Barry, have a good evening?”

Barry jumped slightly since he was concentrating too much on the decorations, “Oh, hi Nick,” the words came out as a squeak. Clearing his throat Barry continued, “Yea, I had a great time.”

Nick looked piercingly at Barry, “But?”

Barry replied to the question slowly, “Well, I am not complaining, it worked just like you said it would. However, when she woke up this morning, she was screaming bloody murder and almost called the cops on me.” Shifting slightly as if what he had done was actually wrong in society’s opinion, he continued, “I used it again on her just to get her to sleep and for me to get away.”

Nick smiled slightly, “So what’s the problem? You got the woman that you wanted and she did not remember a thing, no strings attached”

Barry had not seen it that way. He was upset because she had not remembered how he had brought her such great pleasure, if only briefly. His ego had taken more of a beating this morning than his body.

As if reading his thoughts, Nick continued, “You see Barry, it is part of the magic that I have taught you. You can have sex with anyone you want and not have the burden of a relationship. The world is your love cushion.” Nick looked right at Barry before concluding his explanation, “Besides, it was in the contract that you swore to me that you read.” To emphasize what he was saying, Nick pulled out the contract and showed the paragraph to Barry that stated what Nick had just said.

Real excitement now pulsed through Barry’s veins. Why, he could screw anyone and they not remember. His wildest fantasies were about to come true. “Thanks Nick, I must have forgotten that part last night with all of the excitement and such.”

Nick’s smile was genuine, “No problem Barry. Just remember that when I come to collect, I do not want any bleating about the payment.”

Barry just nodding, not really paying attention since he was going over his list of who to do next. Yes, life was going to be different from now on and Barry had decided that he would start with his assistant Danque. Her comment about his helmet still rankled and he knew that it was going to be in a different type of bush by this afternoon.

Waving good-bye to Nick and thanking him at the same time, Barry raced through the dining area and out the kitchen trying to get to his truck as quickly as possible. He squealed his tires out of the parking lot, missing a couple that were trying to cross the street. Doing his usual zipping in and out of traffic, Barry was imagining Danque’s reactions to his newly found powers. He also was wondering how and where he was going to try it out on her.

Finally reaching the construction site, Barry parked his truck near the office trailer and calmly and with a slight strut, walked about the site. He was really enjoying making his workers miserable today because he knew that he was about to redeem himself. Finally after firing one worker because he had chipped some tile after dropping a hammer, Barry made for his trailer.

Getting himself ready for what was about to happen, Barry hummed and cleaned off his desk. With that accomplished, Barry buzzed for Danque and waited. She arrived and had a disgusted look on her face as if he had interrupted something important. “Yes?” was all that she said.

Inwardly grinning, Barry began, “Danque, you and I need to have a conversation about your future here.” Seeing the anger beginning to flicker in her eyes made Barry even more excited. Concentrating, Barry said the three words that he knew would change the look she was currently giving him, and it did.

Danque’s disposition changed just like the woman last night had. She began taking her clothes off quickly as he motioned her to his desk. Right before he took his off, he turned on the intercom that transmitted every scream of “Oh God!” and “Barry, harder, harder,” throughout the site. The workers stopped what they were doing and some disappeared for a few minutes and returned looking flushed.

Finishing on her stomach, Barry smiled wickedly because he knew that soon she would fall asleep and he would have time to clean her and himself up and place her fully clothed on the couch to wake up wondering what had happened to the past few hours. His alibi was complete. He would tell her that he was going to make her a junior executive and she had fainted. He also was going to warn her that many of the workers would accuse her of grinding with the boss to get such a promotion.

Predictably, she fell asleep and Barry was tempted to have another go, but since he was not quite sure how long the sleep lasted, he decided to get busy. He grabbed towels and began the process of eliminating his seed. He was meticulous in every detail and was able to get her to the couch before she awoke a few minutes later.

Danque accepted his explanation and she still seemed a bit dazed, if not suspicious. Barry wrote that off due to the fact that most people were suspicious of him if he did something nice. Watching her walk out of his office, Barry grinned because he had finally seen what made that walk so wonderful. He almost called her back, but wanted to walk the site once again to see if anything had changed.

Walking out of trailer, he noticed that the other workers were looking in somewhat of an amazed look at him. Some of them gave him the familiar “thumbs-up” signal while others clapped. It was then that he noticed the code compliance vehicle parked next to his truck. “Shit,” he swore, “how long has THAT been there?” Code compliance was always a danger at a construction sight. They always meant expensive changes and setbacks. Heading towards Danque’s office, he wondering where code compliance was and what he or she found out.

Opening the door to Danque’s office, he saw her and another woman wearing the smart outfit of code compliance. Danque was quickly trying to explain something that it seemed she really had no knowledge of. Barry cleared his throat and made his way towards the seemingly angry code officer. “How may I be of assistance?” Barry had stressed the “I” so it was immediately apparent to the officer that he was in charge.

Apparently the officer did not make the connection. She snapped out, “You in charge here?”

Taken somewhat aback Barry could only nod.

“I want to see your site now and I have several questions, if you don’t mind.”

Barry was weighing his chances of getting through the inspection without receiving his usual share of fines and warnings. Deep down inside, he had a feeling that this inspector was not to bribed, as the others had, nor was she the one to be flattered by compliments and offers of lunch. “Shit,” he thought, “this is going to take all day.” Startled, he looked around as he realized that his internal voice had once again decided to become external without warning.

The officer reddened and Barry heard Danque’s intake of breath, momentarily distracting Barry. The officer spoke with determined calm, “Well, sir,” each word sounded like the grounding of popcorn underneath a rolling pin, “if you have everything in order, I will try not to take too much of your valuable time doing other things or, “and she glanced at Danque with meaning, “other people.”

It was Danque’s turn to redden and was about to open her mouth to retort when Barry interceded, “I am sure that you will act in accordance of your department and will be as thorough as your predecessors.” It was not quite an apology, but Barry did not want to antagonize the inspector too much. He was an asshole, but a frugal one at that.
The words “other people” were still stumbling in the back of his mind as if trying to locate a thought to connect with. At first, it connected with food and predictably his stomach rumbled. “No,” his brain muttered, “that wasn’t it.” Then, it connected with an itch that had been creeping up his backside. Reacting out of habit, he scratched it. His brain registered relief, but still no connection. He looked at the angry inspector and noticed that her uniform was a bit disheveled, probably from driving and sweating. Another part of his anatomy reacted and his brain screamed, “That’s it!”

Clearing his throat, Barry wondered if he was being smart. Danque was one thing, an inspector was totally in a different league. His awakening anatomy told brain to shut the hell up and took over the mouthpiece, “No, don’t stop.”

As with the other times he found himself uttering the enticing words and seeing the immediate reaction. What he did not expect is both the inspector and Danque reacted. This was a twist Barry had not considered, but he figured that the words were potent enough for more than one woman.

Exciting possibilities sprang to mind as he shucked his clothes off and dived into one of the most interesting encounters he had ever experienced.

Barry hastily checked his watch and realized that it was only 8:00. He had time to choose where to go and find an appropriate test subject. It was too early for the dance club scene and he was really not in the mood for loud music and cover charges. He briefly considered a strip club, but he figured that it might not be a true test. He therefore decided to try the local Supercenter. He knew that amongst the shoppers, there might be someone there who he could test his newly found powers.

“Nick,” Barry started slowly, “how about the local Supercenter?”

Nick seemed to hesitate for just a moment, but grinned, “Fine with me, I’ll drive since it would seem that you have yet to recover from dinner.”

Barry struggled to gain his balance and wobbled uncertainly while following Nick. They made their way through the dining area and out a back door where the employee parking was. Nick chirped his alarm and opened the door to his vehicle. Maybe it was the alcohol still pumping through his veins, but Barry had never seen its like. It was a deep shade of red and something of a cross between a Corvette and a Lamborghini. Whatever it was, Barry knew that it would fly.

Barry got to the passenger side of the car and was trying to locate the handle to let himself in. From within the car, Barry could hear that deep chuckle and the door opened upwards instead of sideways. “Cool, huh?” Nick said grinning. “Hurry up and get in, we need to be back in time.”

Barry had a real difficult time trying to get into the car. The problem was this, with the amount of beer that he consumed added with his weight and shape made it awkward getting into a vehicle whose seats were mere inches off of the ground. Impatient, Nick leaned over and yanked Barry in causing Barry to whack his head on the side of the door.

“Shit,” exclaimed Barry as he felt the newly rising bump.

“That seems to be your favorite explicative,” Nick observed, “I noticed you have used it several times today without really having a clear concept of what being in real shit is like.”

By this point Barry had theorized that Nick was either psychic or had someone watching him. Barry kept silent and continued to rub his sore head.

Nick gunned the engine and popped the clutch. Barry’s head was thrown back and he knew if the rest of the ride was going to be like this it would be only a matter of time before his dinner reintroduced itself to his palate. Fortunately, Nick must have sensed some sort of inner warning to take it easy or risk a redecoration of his vehicle.

In a very short amount of time, Nick pulled into the local Supercenter and shut off the engine. Nick waited for Barry to do something except stare at the entrance to the Supercenter. Finally, he cleared his throat and that seemed to bring Barry out of his trance. With a slight noticeable amount of sarcasm in his voice, Nick asked, “Are you waiting for me to open the door for you?”

Barry just shook his head and somehow found the latch to open the door to get out. By now, most of the alcohol he’d consumed was wearing off and the slight tingle of adventure began to lick his insides. Barry stood for a moment and was wondering why this unfamiliar feeling was bothering him. He was excited about the prospect of finding someone with whom he could spend the night with. It was the nagging doubt in the back of his mind that was spoiling the hunt.

Before he knew it, Barry was standing in front of the store and was unconsciously waiting for the sliding doors to open. Not sure what to do next, Barry stuck his hands in his pocket and began to whistle tunelessly. He nodded to the greeter and made his way to the innards of the market. One thing that always amazed Barry was the simple fact that shopping was something that he absolutely loathed. Part of it was because people always stared at his girth and mumbled where the low-fat items were as the passed him by. Another reason was the fact that even though he was in the world’s largest retail chain, they always seemed to be the biggest cheapskates. For an example, there were only three lanes open and lines that stretched.
Taking himself out of what was going to be a raving rant, Barry knew that he had better be quick before Nick decided to leave to do his books. Barry walked through the aisles and was almost convinced that God had put all of the ugly ones on display tonight, just to mock him. It was when he passed the sporting goods and making his way towards the electronics department that he saw her. She was incredible to look at and Barry knew in an instant that she was the one. Clearing his throat, Barry approached her. “Um, Hello?”

She slowly turned towards Barry and grimaced slightly, “I am looking right now and don’t need help, thank you.” Her tone and her manner suggested that she was used to snapping orders out and had a rather high opinion of her station in life.

Barry slightly reddened and was going to walk off before he remembered why he was there in the first place. Taking a deep breath, he blurted, “Stop, wait, yield!”

Raising an eyebrow at him, the woman decided that he was a sad, strange man and probably worked in the back most of the time. She decided to be patronizing, “Look, I think that you need to get back to work with the others and leave me alone to do my shopping, OK?” She enunciated each word slowly as if she was talking to someone dim.

Barry was furious with himself because he forgot the words and was babbling nonsense to this woman. He stared at his shoes and decided to give it another whirl, “Forget, don’t, run.”
By now the woman was getting really annoyed and began to walk away from him, slowly at first. She began to increase the pace of her steps because Barry stupidly began to follow her babbling words loudly. She almost reached the manager’s stand to begin complaining when she heard, “No, don’t stop.”

Barry skidded to a halt just as quickly as she had. He watched amazed as she slowly turned around to look at him. Barry stared at her. Her whole demeanor had changed, and that was not all. He saw a hungry look in her flushed face and noticed two slight protuberances jutting from the front of her polo. She sauntered up to him and whispered, “Let’s go to my place, right now.”
It wasn’t a request nor was it a question; it was a demand and Barry knew that he was in for something he had never experienced. He nodded and grabbed her hand, which was the temperature as a sauna and just as sweaty. They quickly made their way towards the exit and down the last row of cars. She nervously dug through her purse and found her car keys. Chirping the alarm, Barry noticed that the car was a Mercedes and just off of the lot. Before getting into the car, Barry looked over to his right and noticed that Nick was parked next to him and was giving the thumbs-up signal. Any thought Barry might have had over the sudden change in the woman’s attitude was left in the parking lot as she squealed the tires in her haste to get home.

Barry woke up the next morning scratched, bruised and feeling very dehydrated. The night’s events were somewhat hazy and he had flashes of growling, nails, and hot skin on top of his. It seemed like they had gone at it for hours, Barry had a very difficult time moving around. Finally he was able to turn over on his side and look at the woman he was with all night. She was almost as a complete mess as he was. Her hair looked like it had been through a hurricane and her makeup was smeared all over her face. The slightly satisfied smile on her lips encouraged Barry.

Grinning in anticipation, because just looking at her stirred him one again, he shook her shoulders. She opened her eyes slowly and smiled languidly. Then, she saw who was in bed with her and began to scream, “Who in the hell are you?”

Barry just sat there and gibbered.

Not satisfied with his answer, she began to scream some more when she noticed that not only was she nude, but so was the little troll in bed with her. She leaped out of bed screaming with gusto now. “What did you do to me? Why am I naked?”

Barry quit his gibbering and began to grow angry. “What is wrong with this chick?” he internalized, “She acts as if we did not do anything last night.” Anger was quickly replaced with fury, “She used me and now she is trying to get rid of me.”

The woman was now grabbing for the phone and resumed her screaming, “You attacked me and I’m calling the police.”

Barry did the only thing that he new would end the screaming. He screamed out, “No, don’t stop!”

The change in her was immediate and this time since she was standing in front of him nude, very apparent. Barry knew that he should leave quickly in case if someone heard, but if this chick was so dim that she could not remembered who she screwed, he figured what the hell.

When she finally fell back asleep, Barry got his things and phoned a taxi and left her house, feeling deeply satisfied.

Barry decided that the amused glances and muttering were getting on his nerves so much that he had done something he had not done in years he left work early. He was now traveling down the inner loop at an excessive amount of speed. He reasoned the reason for his purchasing of the Dodge Ram was to drive it at a high rate of speed. So, ignoring the honking and squealing of tires behind him, Barry wove in and out of traffic as if the road belonged to him.

A slight rumbling told Barry that the time to eat was getting closer. It might be worth mentioning at this point that Barry’s stomach rumbling would have made a villager from ancient Pompeii run for cover. In other words, it was a sound not to be ignored. Going through the database in his mind, Barry decided to try his favorite steakhouse, Nick’s Beef Barn. Cutting across three lanes, Barry made the exit with inches to spare. Pulling into Nick’s, Barry made sure that when he parked, he took two spots. Checking his hair in the mirror, Barry opened the door and made his way towards the entrance.

Barry wasn’t sure why Nick’s appealed to him. It couldn’t be the service, nor could it be the place itself. Nicks usually hired whoever came off of the streets. If they knew how to write, they were allowed to serve the tables. If they looked like they could pass a health inspection, they got to cook. Everyone else was either in management or did the dishes. However, everyone loved their job and especially the owner.

Nick was the type of guy that everyone wanted to know. He was not forceful in manner, but he had that sly, cunning way of convincing people that he was right. He always dressed in the finest Italian and wore expensive cologne. Nick had owned the place for five years and business was booming. The place was packed every evening and reservations a must. However, these rules did not apply to Barry. Barry was always treated like the BMOC, and that is they way he liked it.

It was the way he was treated. Barry finally decided why he loved coming to Nick’s. It was the way that everyone seemed happy to see him and was more than willing to carry out his wishes, with food that is. Finally getting through the crowds at the front door, Barry made his way to the hostess stand. “Ah, Barry,” said the sultry hostess, “Welcome back!”

Barry had to do a double take. It couldn’t have been Dulce. Last week she looked like a wreck, now she was stunning. “Dulce?” Barry tried it out, but his poor Spanish made it sound like he had said, “dookie.”

Dulce raised her eyebrow at him and pretended like she did not notice his gross mispronunciation of her name. “Ah, Señor Barry,” her voice oozed with sensuality, “so very good to see you again.” She shifted her smile a bit to a wicked grin, “I will let Nick know that you are here tonight.” There was a slight pause and then, “He will be delighted that you are here.”

Barry decided that Dulce having a steady income and eating more than crack was making a difference in her life. When he first met her, Dulce barley resembled a human, let alone fleshed out enough to be recognizable as a woman. Barry decided to remark on her metamorphosis, “Dulce,” he got the annunciation closer this time so her smile was more genuine, “you really look fantastic!”

Dulce thanked him for his observation and guided him to his favorite table, near the bar and in full sight of the lobby. He liked the proximity of the alcohol and, after large quantities of it, loved to be near the exit to avoid too much of a scene. He settled himself in the comfortable chair and began to take in the aroma of food, beer, and perfume. It was Dulce’s perfume that was still lingering, making his mind swim and blood pound. Shaking his head, he was just about to look at the menu when the owner appeared at his table.

Nick was everything that Barry was not. Tall, handsome, and athletic, Nick was easily noticeable in a crowded stadium and could probably name every minute acquaintance that was there. “Ahh, Barry, I thought I would be seeing you soon.” Nick held out his hand that Barry shook in a friendly manner. As usual, Barry almost felt a wave of power surge through his body as he shook Nick’s warm, soft hand.

Barry smiled and replied, “Nick, you know that I can not stay away for more than a few days.” Barry pretended to flip through the menu, “What are your specials for the day?”

Nick tutted Barry and waggled his finger at him, “Shame, Mr. Barry, you know that the only specials we have are the ones on the menu. Maybe later, after dinner, I may have something special just for you.” Smiling, Nick left Barry in a slight state of bemusement. Never had Nick promised anything interesting except some sort of cheesecake.

Forgetting the conversation almost immediately, Barry scanned the menu and decided that a 20oz porterhouse with a baked potato and vegetables would do him fine. As an extra measure, he got an order of cheese fries with chili and a tall boy of beer. As his food arrived in perfectly timed intervals, Barry greeted each portion with delight and quickly consumed it before it could even reach room temperature. As he went, the tall boy was dutifully replenished until finally, after a second piece of New York Cherry Cheesecake, he let out a rather reverberating belch and pushed his plates aside.

Barry was just beginning to contemplate the check and its corresponding tip when Nick came back to see him. “I hope that everything suited your tastes tonight.” Nick said as smooth as silk. It was not so much a question, more like a statement that required no comment.

Barry just nodded and let another window rattler loose as if that would further compliment his meal.

Nick just smiled as if what Barry had just loosed in front of him was a royal blessing. “Glad to hear it.” Nick paused, looking at the check in Barry’s hand, “Say Barry, how about I pick up the check tonight in exchange for about five minutes of your time?”

Barry blinked hard twice, as if he was listening to another language. “Oh, c’mon Nick, I ain’t broke and the bill is under a hundred bucks.” The beer was beginning to slur his tongue a bit and his mind was having difficulty processing information as quickly as it normally would have.

Nick smiled again, “No, you misunderstand me dear friend. I want to take five minutes of your valuable time to discuss a business opportunity for you and in return,” Nick did one of his pauses again since he knew that Barry was a tad slow on the uptake at the moment, “I’ll pick up your check.”

Barry just slouched there silent. He had a slight eerie feeling crawling inside of him but he wrote that off as a byproduct of the large quantity of meat he had just ingested. Finally, unable to speak he just nodded, a free meal after all was worth five minutes of his time. Besides, he had nothing better to do except sit and drool until his senses returned.

Nick’s lips curled just a tad as he sat next to Barry, keeping eye contact all the while. “Barry, I wanted to let you know that I may have a simple solution to what is really bothering you.”
Sobriety hit Barry so hard it caused him to jump in his seat, smacking his knees painfully on the underside of the table. Recovering as quickly as possible, Barry cleared his throat and stammered, “I-I-I am not s-s-s-ure what you mean N-N-Nick.”

Nick’s laugh was hearty and full of mirth. “Holy balls of Hades!” he was able to gasp out. “You know EXACTLY what I am talking about!” Nick leaned a bit closer and almost whispered, “I am talking about the fact that the last time you saw a naked woman, your eyes were screwed up for days trying to make out the different parts through a scrambled television signal.”

Barry thought that Nick was screwing with him even though the last comment was uncomfortably accurate. “You know Nick, if you are picking up my tab so you can insult me, I’d rather not.” Barry was still somewhat shaken by the day’s events and things were not improving.

Nick just sneered again, “Truth is somewhat insulting my friend.” He smiled sardonically, “I have heard that you would do anything to nail that assistant of yours.” Nick waited for Barry’s face to return to normal before continuing, “Your silence means you acquiesce, does it not?” Barry just nodded. “Good, I thought so.” Nick let the words curl around his lips and hang in the air like smoke. “I also know that the phrase ‘helmet in the bush’ rankles you like none other.”

This time Barry bolted up from his seat, red-hot anger bursting from him. Before he could get any words out, Nick pointed at him and then at his seat and Barry collapsed back as if pushed down. Nick smiled again, all forcefulness gone, “Yes, I know about that, but I did not hear it from anyone at the site today. Let’s just say, I know and we’ll leave it at that.”

Barry was still smarting from the abrupt return to his seat, mind spinning with anger, surprise, and a smidge of interest in where this conversation was leading. Calmly, Barry decided to wait it out and see where Nick was going to take him.

Sensing Barry’s calm Nick continued, “Let’s just say that I can remedy both dilemmas and make us both satisfied people.” Nick busied himself with an envelope that he produced from his front jacket pocket and made a production out taking out a piece of paper and smoothing it out.

Curious, Barry leaned forward to read what was on the paper, but was astonished to find out that while he was reading it to himself, Nick was keeping pace. If Barry slowed down, Nick would slow down at the same rate. This was a sort of distracting, so he kept reading. The document, which seemed at first relatively short, seemed to drone on and on, page after page. The words were becoming jumbled and the point of the entire document was beginning to become hazy. Finally, he reached the end at the same time Nick did.

“Any questions?” Asked Nick.

“Uhmm,” was all Barry could say. He remembered certain parts about services rendered to the satisfaction of the customer as long as full payment was received when asked for. He though he remembered something about gifting a possession after his death to Nick, but it didn’t matter, who needed anything after death?

“Uhmm,” repeated Barry, “so in exchange for some sort of possession, you will provide me with the accouterments to make my life more enjoyable?”

Nick looked sharply at Barry, “Are you sure you read everything carefully and understand what is involved here?” He paused as if wanting to rescind his offer. “Barry, I do not want any gnashing of teeth when collection is due, you understand?”

Barry became somewhat indignant, was Nick calling him an idiot? “Of course I understand,” Barry snapped at Nick, “I do have a college degree and I am quite literate.” Barry was having a difficult time understanding how Nick was going to clear up his more frustrating problems. “What the hell,” Barry internalized, “I am quickly running out of fantasies. Anything has to be better than what I have now.” Externally Barry impatiently exclaimed, “Nick, I fully understand the contract. Your five minutes is almost up and I am getting tired of being insulted.” With a final flourish of his hand, Barry grabbed the contract and demanded, “Where do I sign?”

Nick produced a pen that was the deepest shade of red. He proffered it to Barry and Barry almost snatched it in his haste to sign the document. The problem was, when Barry began to sign his name, he felt a pulling sensation in his fingers that were grasping the pen. It was almost like something was being extracted from him. Shrugging he continued to sign. It was only when he had finished that he noticed that the ink was the color of blood. He looked suspiciously at his fingers and noticed that they looked the same as they had five minutes ago. “Paranoia,” he thought to himself as Nick looked at the document and replaced it in the envelope.

“Congratulations Barry,” Nick stretched out his hand, “you are about to become the person that you dreamed about.” They shook hands and once again Barry felt that creepy feeling, but ignored it for the second time that night.

Barry cleared his throat, “So, what now, surgery?”

Nick burst out in that odd laughter once again. “No, Barry, surgery will not be needed here.” Another grin flickered Nick’s face, “Things will be real different in the morning.”

Puzzled, Barry opened his mouth to express his disbelief but Nick quickly interrupted him. “Barry, you and I have made a deal. I will accomplish one thing tonight while you sleep. The rest will be up to you.” Nick stared into Barry’s eyes and Barry tried to avoid the black pupils. “When you see someone who you want to romp with, use the following three words together and in this order ‘No’, ‘Don’t’, and then ‘Stop’.” When you, and only you use these words in secession, the person to whom you are speaking to will be unable to resist your suggestions.” Another grin flickered across Nick’s

It was then that Barry decided that Nick was full of shit and said so.

“Full of shit, am I?” Nick sneered. “Fine, let’s give it a bit of a test, shall we?” Nick gestured with his hand around the restaurant. “Pick anyone here and try it out. I would suggest that you whisper it to the person you are trying to attract.” Nick stopped to chuckle. “Your words are so powerful that it will affect anyone who hears it, so do not shout about it, understand?”
Barry felt his curiosity increase and decided to give it a whirl. After all, if it didn’t work, then he could tear up the contract and owe nothing. Barry though of something, “Nick, no offence, but can we try this out at a neutral location?”

Nick did look offended at first, “Barry, you are the doubter.” He sighed, “You are like your father you know.” Before Barry could get into that thread of thought, Nick changed topics, “Sure, we can go anywhere you like as long as I get back in time to do the numbers.”

Slosh, slosh, slosh. Barry’s shoes were making the god-awful noise that shoes make when tramping through muck left over from a good, solid rain. Barry should be making mucking noises, but his boots were sitting at home and he had worn his good dress shoes. Shoes are more likely to slosh in muck, unless worn by a politician.

Barry’s mood was growing steadily darker as he surveyed his latest project. The skeletons of his complex were jutting out everywhere and they were begging to be covered with sheetrock, insulation, brick, and shingles. With all of the recent rain, covering was a near impossibility and now the project was way behind schedule. “Shit,” Barry said as he calculated the cost of getting his workers to complete the project on time by using overtime. “Shit,” he exclaimed again as he found a particularly large puddle and soaked his pants. “Shit!” this time it was a scream due to the fact that now he had stumbled when looking at his pants and his center of gravity was quickly pulling him towards the offensive puddle.

Barry’s mood could now be clearly seen and heard by all within the construction zone as a string of profanities emanated from the thrashing figure in the puddle. Strangely enough, no one seemed to be anxious to help Barry out from his ungainly position. Finally getting back to an upright position, Barry began to stomp off to his trailer. Stomp, squish, slosh, stomp, squish, slosh. Reaching his trailer, Barry whipped the door open and slammed it shut. Stripping out of his wet clothes, Barry went to the bathroom to get a towel and a washcloth. Standing in front of the mirror, Barry cleaned the muck off his face and began to work on the rest of his body.

Having completed a cursory cleaning, Barry stepped out of the bathroom toweling his hair, still cursing the puddle. It must have been either the cursing or the severe toweling because Barry was quite unaware that his assistant had entered with a stack of forms for him to sign, Barry stopped quickly at the sound of a throat clearing, or was it a stifled giggle? Looking from underneath the towel, Barry saw his assistant staring at him with a bemused look on her face. Quickly wrapping the towel around his waist, Barry mumbled about it being cold in “this damn trailer” and went to get a spare set of clothes.

Barry’s assistant, her name was Danque, was very stunning and ten years his junior. He had hired Danque for two professional reasons. First of all, she had graduated from the local university with high marks in business and she wanted to run her own construction company eventually. The personal reason was that he wanted someone like her to work under him because, in his opinion, it was payback for the cheerleaders who once laughed at him.

Danque had stifled the gasp of hilarity for the simple fact that her asshole of a boss had fallen in a puddle and now he was embarrassed because she saw him in his entire glory. “Helmet in a bush” came to her as she watched Barry wrap a towel around his waist and busy himself with the heater, as if trying to explain his lack of length. Now fully composed, Danque cleared her throat. “Sir,” and she was really glad to hear that her voice had lost any trace of humor, “I need these papers signed before Overnight Express shows up.”

Still looking flustered, Barry looked at the forms and began to sign them. Wishing a thousand scourges on his assistant for not knocking, he finished the forms and waved her off. He watched her leave and decided to watch her walk, a fascinating sight for anyone who had a pulse. With some alarm, Barry noticed the slight bulge in the towel that was causing it to loosen from his rather large waist. Grabbing the towel, he marched off to the bathroom to take care of the slight protuberance.

The release almost knocked him off of the toilet, he must have had really been concentrating. Cleaning up, he muttered under his breath, “I would give anything to be able to have someone like that.” Looking into the mirror, Barry toughened himself up for the rest of the day, got dressed, and then continued sloshing and making his employees miserable, The trouble was that behind their misery, Barry sensed that they had been told about what had happened in the trailer. “Damn her,” he swore under his breath, “I swear I will nail her yet.”

Barry was a deceitful, hating type of person, and he knew it. He spent most of his time barking around at people and not caring about the dirty looks he received in reply. Standing at five foot seven and 232 pounds, Barry also had a deficiency in the decent looks department. It had been years since his feet had been out of the shade of his stomach and Barry often wondered if his toenails looked the same as they had during his youth. In other words, if Piers Anthony ever met Barry, the author would wonder if one of his fanciful trolls had come to life.

Another problem that Barry had, as it may not come as a real huge shocker to the reader, was in the ladies’ department. Barry had not had a real date in quite a few years and not had sex with someone else besides himself for even longer. None of these facts helped to improve his already distasteful disposition in life.

It is during a typical disastrous day for Barry that we find him sloshing around at a construction site. By trade, he is a contractor and is actually pretty good at it. Of course, he does the typical contractor gimmicks to jack up the bids and make a large profit. Nonetheless, his buildings have a great reputation and are in high demand. Of course, you have drawn the only possible conclusion about Barry, which is he is a rich, miserable bastard who needs to relax a little and get laid.

The very first time that I seriously sat down and even thought of writing a book I was at college sitting in the computer lab contemplating anything else but the term paper I was supposed to be writing on political philosophy. There I was surrounded by some of the world's greatest political thinkers and all I could focus on was maybe slipping off to the local brewery for a few cold ones. Sad but true, philosophy always made more sense after a few screwdrivers.

Instead, I hammered away on the dilapidated keyboard trying to show the connections between the Sermon on the Mount and the Allegory of the Cave. Painful word after word appeared on the green monochrome screen as others engaged themselves in low conversations that revolved around meeting at said drinking establishment. I was so engrossed in what I was doing, I did not notice at first my neighbor at the next cubicle trying to get my attention. With a whirling myriad of colors and loose thoughts, I finally snapped back to reality and focused on her.

To say this woman was beautiful is like saying DaVinci was a dabbler in the arts. Seeing how I was still in that awkward-geek phase (for the record I still am in that phase) I just stared a bit and then mumbled a few words. She was looking oddly at me as if I had spawned a third arm from my forehead. Realizing that I had missed something, she repeated her question about printing out her files. I wheeled over and with precision showed her how to accomplish this difficult feat. (Hit the function-6 key) Smiling she thanked me and I flushed and decided that now would be the best time to make my getaway.

It was the dead of February and the cool night air crashed against my like a helpless seal on a rock that is about to get pounded by a tsunami. For the life of me I wondered why in the heck I panicked and ran. It occured to me that the fear of failure was probably the crust of the pie. Mostly it was probably because I never was a hose monster growing up and even in college it did not seem that I was going to break with tradition.

I lit a cigarette in the quad and decided that my fear was also lack, for a better term, experience with intimacy. The thoughts were going through my mind over and over about this stupid encounter that I had just experienced. I had no real desire to go back and chat her up, for I considered her way out of my league. I had more of a desire to be more confident with these types of random encounters. To have that ability, I considered with my 22 year old mind, would solve all problems.

Then the story came to me about a man who gains this very power and how he utilizes this power. I finished my smoke and then walked back to the lab. The computer that I had just left unceremoniously was still unocupied and I retook my seat and began to hammer out the story that was unfolding before my very eyes. Not even the frequent questions of my neighbor distracted me from my mission of getting this tale out from my mind.

It took about 8 hours and several more breaks, but I had actually done it. I printed it out, and took it home with me. Well, I read it once, penciled in some comments and placed it in a folder and went back to comparing Jesus with Plato. The story sat in that tattered folder for years until Rob asked me to contribute some musings on his website. The rest is pretty much history and I did repost that story there.

I reread it last night and decided that it was time to repost it in all of its glory, warts and all. So I want to present Payback for your review...

-WTS

His name is simply Smitty and quite frankly if you ever saw him you would probably not take the time to get close enough to ask his name. I've known Smitty for about a year now and frankly he is one of the more fascinating people you could ever meet. When he isn't busy talking to his inner demons, long dead army buddies, or himself; Smitty can entrance any listener with vivid recollections of his travels and adventures.

Weatherman phrases we can do without especially when we are horny...

Holy crap....